From the Springs of Vulnerability and Surrender

Not long ago- I fully relinquished myself to vulnerability for a moment.  I realized before doing so, I was aware of everything that would occur afterwards.  What occurred was everything that I was previously unwilling to allow to take place.

    I had held so much energy and choice and freedom at bay because I was unwilling to admit to myself that which I knew to be true all along.  The truth hurt my feelings.  The truth was that I had set myself up for disappointment.  The truth was that I was seeking something that I wouldn’t give myself from someone else who was unable to give it to me.

    Amazingly, I couldn’t feel sorry for myself.  I harbored no anger or resentment towards the other person.  In fact, I was happier after everything took place.  It was as if a lid was lifted off from many pressurized conditions that created stagnation in my life. Increasing amounts of information and awareness surfaced as a result.

    Recently, I have been relinquishing more and more to vulnerability.  I have been willing to stay in it, be present with it, endure myself as a vulnerable being.  And so many more things have sprung forth as a result.

    I have recognized ways that I constantly build layers of armor with self-protection, lies, and control.  I have gone through the sting of constantly tearing my armor off.  It is like walking through sea air with nothing but broken skin for the briny wind to beat against and break down further. 

    I have called it “vulnerability soup”: being physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically, spiritually, intellectually, pragmatically, instinctually - wholly vulnerable.

    I have learned ways that I have been unwilling to fully embrace myself as a woman.  Whether I like it or not, women are vulnerable.  I have had to admit to myself how much I haven’t liked being vulnerable as a woman.  I had concluded that this made me weak.  I had to pretend that this part of me didn’t exist.  I could not even glance upon the “weaknesses” of my feminine, let alone consider them as possibilities for greater strengths.  

    I have seen the ways that I have controlled by withholding things which are true for me, all because of projected reasonings.  I have restricted myself and others from choice.  I have kept myself from being more present in relationships with others.

    I have seen the ways that I have been unwilling to seek support from those who would give me support because of my need to wear the mask of “I can do it myself”.  I have demanded from those who don’t have what I require.  I have given to those who cannot receive in order to justify myself as a do-it-myselfer.  Even more- I have judged myself as inadequate because of this insanity.

    Surrendering to vulnerability has required constant reminding.  I’ve learned so much about myself that I don’t like.  I have had to constantly break down my own barriers in the face of everything that I’ve wanted to barricade away.  In doing so, I am allowing more of myself to show up, and I am embracing the more of me that I have judged in others as well.  

    Amazingly, my surroundings will not allow me to give up this course. The word surrender appears all over the place- in conversation and in print, reminding me to yield to vulnerability.  It is amusing to see the gentle prompt that says, “There’s more.  There’s still more!”

    In seeking information and asking questions, I have seen the ways that the Universe is ready and available to support me.  People who seek my support also support me.  And in surrendering to what is required for me to receive, I can step into receiving more than my previous expectations allowed.

     New keeps showing up; vulnerability keeps increasing; surrendering to everything in motion keeps changing for the better (although sometimes it is bitter).  I find myself receiving from a place of gratitude and grace, and it is wonderful to witness my own receptions. 

    I have learned and am still learning that vulnerability is many things:  becoming an awareness machine (including the things I don’t wish to see or know), making informed choices, intimacy, truth, empowerment, being me, allowance, flow, presence, change, out of control surrender, and receiving.  

     I am learning that surrendering to vulnerability includes many things. Surrender to the truth that my being controlled is an illusion.  Surrender to the truth that I am not in control.  Surrender to awarenesses.  Surrender to the empowerment of information.  Surrender to my potency.  Surrender to surrender.  Surrender to being me.  Surrender to oneness.

    Surrendering to vulnerability may be eye opening, sometimes startling, and sometimes raw.  I realize, though, that after indulging in this place that so many avoid, I walk away having stepped into greatness.  I also know that I will indulge again and again.

    For those seeking more and greater, I highly suggest a drink from these springs of vulnerability and surrender. 

ABOUT RANN
The Immortal Rann Goldrich is a facilitator of happiness with decades of experience as a meditation coach, teacher, and facilitator of private and group sessions.